just a bunch of words

lately there has been a ton of "stuff" on my brain. sometimes so much "stuff" that it makes me cry for reasons i can't even put into words. and when these times come i have a cute husband that looks back at me, sets me straight, and basically says, "you're a special girl lisa" with his little smirk face. then he adds a much needed hug and kiss and a 'i love you'. then my worries seem to drift away for a moment and all is well again.

as i was reading my 'usuals' yesterday i came across my sisters recent post HERE. as many of you may know, i am a triplet to kylie and megan. i am sure most of you who read my blog found it through them, since i jumped on the blogging wagon years later. but as i read ky's recent post entitled "remember," it really blew me away at the same time as sucked me in. does that even make sense? she writes so beautifully and effortlessly, which is what lead me to write this post of my own. she wrote exactly how i feel but am unable to voice. although this may not flow as well or have as many beautiful adjectives, this is me.

life as of late has been sort of funny. i am incredibly happy and love living in hawaii, don't get me wrong. but i feel confused. i know what i need to do to make things better, but i can't seem to do them. i suppose i have chosen to write them on a piece of paper in at least five different places rather than going out and accomplishing them. why is this? i find it annoying that i know if i want things to change i need to change something i'm doing, then why don't i? and then i always come back around to my solution, "because i don't know what i want to do." blah.

most of my worries stem from having a degree that i still don't know how to apply to my life at this given stage. especially since more than anything i want to be a mother. but i still want to make good use of my degree and passions. i want to help people in need, continue learning new and important things, and most importantly feel of good use. sometimes i just watch days pass by as i stick to my usual routines of cleaning, cooking, exercising, going to an array of random jobs, playing at the beach, surfing, painting, and watching silly shows. these are all wonderful and fun things that i enjoy, and i am quick to admit i am really good at keeping myself busy and productive. but part of me still feels like i'm in a weird funk with no direction or end in sight. sometimes to the point that even going to the beach sounds boring or like some sort of routine. and i don't know why i feel that way, because i love the beach! anyway, you can see my confusion behind these words. i think part of that may be because it's now fall and i'm really missing seasons, colorful leaves, being cold(ish), dressing cozy, and being around family. anyway, sorry about that tangent.

basically my whole life i have been a student and worked jobs that have set hours, deadlines, assignments, practices, and overall incredibly busy calendars. then i graduated and suddenly have all the time i wished i had while in school, and life really does get hard. but the good thing about time, is that there is plenty of it. and that's exactly what i need to do. give things time. and meanwhile, be a good and happy wife, friend, daughter, and sister. like my sis said, "try to just be the best and happiest person you can."