Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
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Last night I had a terrible dream. When I was a kid and even into my teens + early adult hood, this happened a lot. My parents never knew if it was in fact night terrors, but it felt like it to me. I remember sleeping in my parents bedroom out of fear of falling asleep due to the dreams that followed. But I feel like it's been years since this felt like an issue. Typically I'm an insanely deep sleeper and don't remember a thing when I wake up. But when I do, it sucks. I used to write some of my dreams into a dream journal. Reading back on them I have some insane things in my brain that often time have deep life analogies. They are usually based on underlying fears I push deep down into a part of my brain I don't like to tap into.
This morning around 6 am, I woke up suddenly with tears on my face gasping for air. Not because I wasn't able to breath in my dream, more like a silent scream. This feeling is a familiar one I like to wish away. I wanted to make my dream stop and I remember in my dream telling my subconscious to , "Wake up Lisa, wake up. You can make this stop!" The feeling of helplessness in my dream was relentless. Its like my subconscious was fighting for me, it's the strangest feeling. When I did get myself to open my eyes, I knew my baby was safe in her bed and I immediately felt relief. But the fear was still there. I quickly began to pour my heart into prayer per routine of my growing up years. Only through prayer are my fears calmed and I can feel grounded again.
As I drifted back to sleep the dream unfortunately returned. More details unfolded and I remember thinking in my dream that I didn't like what was happening and I didn't want to know the end. I decided it was time for me to wake up. I woke up again and decided to stay awake this time. I said my prayer, then went and grabbed my Remi and squeezed her tight and had some long lazy morning snuggles. I took my time this morning with her instead of rushing off to the gym. I wanted to cherish her all the more.
Dreams are weird. I don't understand them. I just know it taught me that life is short and oh so precious. Hold onto the ones you love tight. Do your best to keep them safe and have faith and trust in yourself and your Savior. The love of a mother is fierce. So incredibly fierce. Deep to a degree that is indescribable. I know this is the way our Heavenly Father feels for each of us, and I feel so honored every day to receive that gift of love for my daughter and my future children.
So, to bring things full circle. I wanted to post these photos of my daughter and I in the beautiful flower fields of ranunculus. They bring me so much joy. A reminder of God's beautiful creations and love. Running through flower fields is a much better dreamy situation anyway haha. Mothers day is on the horizon and I was so blessed to have these photos taken in honor of that special day. Thank you Hannah for sharing your amazing talent with us! I will forever cherish these images.
I feel so lucky to have this beautiful video of our baby girl made by my sister Kylie. She compiled clips filmed by us, my sister Megan, and friend Lex to make it. I just adore our baby girl and this video brought me to tears. I will definitely share more about her adoption day and sealing day, but for now this about sums up my feelings. So happy she is a part of our eternal family.
I have been waiting so long to write this post. I wanted the adoption to be finalized first, which it was in June. Then I was waiting till the moment felt right. And tonight I had so many things tugging at my heart and mind that I knew I needed to pump it out. It's 1 am and I'm honestly exhausted. But this is more important then sleep :). I mean, Remi is almost ONE and that is insane.
October 9th, 2016 was a beautiful day. It was a sunny Sunday and warm in Murrieta, California. Now jump back to the day before, October 8th. Chase and I were in Temecula at his cousin's wedding and joked about how convenient it would be if our birth mom went into labor. We were basically where she wanted to deliver, and it would be a quick drive to get to the hospital. After we left the wedding that evening, we were bummed we didn't hear from our birth mom because she was almost three weeks past her due date (which was originally September 19th). Obviously, we were growing anxious and I was going insane haha. We went to bed---as usual---with plans to go to church---as usual---the following morning. Little did we know . . .
I got a call somewhere around 3 am. Remi's birth mom was breathing hard, but remained extremely calm. She had some urgency in her voice and in a nut shell between breaths kindly said, "Hi Lisa. Sorry to bother you at this hour but I'm in labor. My water broke around midnight. You might want to get in your car and drive to the hospital, they plan on delivering soon but I want to make sure you're here." I remember first thinking how sweet she was, always so polite. Then it hit me, BABY! I immediately snapped from out of it tired, to wide awake stoked! I jumped out of bed, yelled at Chase to get up, and out the door we went! Luckily, we already had hospital bags packed that had literally been sitting by our door for three weeks haha. Man was I happy to finally pick that dang thing up!
Shortly passed 8 am, a nurse walked into our room. Chase and I immediately jumped up with anticipation. The nurse continued on by saying, "Want to know the gender?" I yelped, "YES" and she said, "IT'S A GIRL!" That's when I probably annoyingly smacked Chase and said, "See, I told you it was Remi!" We LOVED our nurse Amber, she was seriously so awesome. The hospital staff was so friendly and accommodating to our adoption situation too. We were so blessed to have our own private room right next to our birth mom's.
We immediately charged down the hallway to the little room where they clean and measure the babies. This is where we met our sweet daughter. That moment is single handedly the best moment of my life. A moment that had so much built up anticipation. I had literally dreamed of it, prayed for it, cried for it, and imagined it in my head thousands of times. And when I peaked into that room and saw a tiny baby laying on that little heated table, I fell to the floor with joy. I couldn't believe my eyes. I said out loud as tears were rolling down my face, "Oh my gosh, I'm a Mom. A real mom! She's mine!" I have never felt happier or more at peace in my entire life. I of course got to hold her first and I remember smiling so big my cheeks hurt. I couldn't stop staring at her in amazement. This was my heaven moment. As I got a closer look at how beautiful and perfect she was, I told Chase, she's looks just like her birth mom! How lucky are we :).
My first time holding my sweet girl!
Our first family selfie
Those little eyes peeking open are precious!
Finally a family of 3!
LOVE
Proud daddy, makes my heart melt
Remi Yolande Rondo
Born October 9, 2016 at 8:07 am
8 lbs. 11.5 oz.
21" long
After we spent some time in this room with Remi, we were able to wheel her back to our own room. It was there that we spent all of our time snuggling and doing skin to skin. The nurses taught me how much to feed her and I was all about tracking her feedings on the chart they gave me haha. Anyone that knows me, knows I love checking things off a list. Turns out our girl loved to eat from the start! I'll never forget the feeling of our first time doing skin to skin. Her warm tiny little body and little mouth sucks, it tickled so much it was so cute! PS, I did have some moments feeling sad I couldn't breast feed. Seeing her instincts kick in and act as though she knew she was made to do something but didn't know how (me included) kind of hurt my heart a bit. But with time I have learned so much about this and feel it makes absolutely zero difference in bonding. I will do a post on that, later. Breast feeding or bottle, doesn't matter. The love is the exact same!
Our first hour spent with Remi, there was a lot going on. All the testing they do on newborns, completing the paperwork the hospital social worker was presenting us, coordinating with our birth mom's adoption advocate, following up with our attorney, all while tending to Remi's every need like crazy hawks haha. The emotion of it all was intense. Chase and I decided to take a quiet moment and talk to Remi about her story of where she came from. This was a very sacred moment for our family that I will never forget. I began to cry softly as I was telling her, because it was all just such a miracle that she was here. Just hearing me say the words out loud seemed unreal. It was then that Remi gently looked up and locked her gaze on my eyes as if she was looking into my soul. It was like grabbing a glimpse of heaven. I immediately knew and felt that she was saying, "Ya, I know mama. I'm here now, you can be happy now!" I quickly changed my glance to Chase and said, "Did you feel that?" He responded, "Yes, it's like she already knew. Like she was listening and understood." Our miracle heaven moment :).
The adorable knit blanket and beanie the hospital gifted us :)
Throughout the day of Remi's birth, I was texting with her birth mom who was recovering from her surgery. Once we got the okay, I wheeled Remi over to see her. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it was absolutely necessary and deserved. This part of our story I choose to keep private, but I am so grateful for that time Remi and her birth mom had together at the hospital. It holds such significance to her decision and healing. It's sad to me that adoption breaks one heart, as it heals another. But in the end, it is complete and utter selfless love. It's a choice made between two families, to bring them together in harmony and joy. And that to me is priceless. We chose to keep our adoption open on terms we both feel comfortable with. We have a great agreement and couldn't ask for a more wonderful birth mother to our Remi.
Just some family snuggles
We got so lucky with our hospital stay. We only had one night there, but they fed us all the meals we could ever need. I especially loved the martinellis and chocolate dipped strawberries to celebrate parenthood!
Remi's first bow!
Our first night with Remi was exhausting. Being woken up every (x) amount of hours by nurses was fun. Every time the light switched on I almost went into a panic hoping everything was okay haha. Talk about crazy mom (so much was on my mind). But sleeping next to my husband and a tiny human in-between was absolute bliss. We basically didn't sleep actually. We just stared her down with creepy love obsessed eyes all night in the dark haha. Watching her chest rise and fall was the sweetest thing. Her cute little fuzzy ears and back were soft, and her hands and feet were tiny. It was all just so much cuteness why would anyone want to sleep. We tried our darnedest to get a good swaddle with the blanket. I think my over confidence from nannying was just that, over confident. Cause I'm gonna be honest, we both sucked at it haha. Bless those pre-made swaddle thingies! She loved those as a newborn, they were life saving.
Waking up the next morning with our sweetie was magic. I remember watching Chase do skin to skin with Remi for the first time. He was so overjoyed, he couldn't stop smiling and giggling at her little tickles. Her skin and hair was so soft and she had the most perfect new baby smell. Out of respect to our hospital plan, we were not able to have anyone be at the hospital with us. So all the photo taking was on us, which was hard to do when you want all your focus on the baby and not photos. To be honest, my camera lens was terrible and I couldn't figure out how to take good photos in the weird hospital light. I was too emotional to try and figure it out, and Chase's strength is not patience with photography haha. I also took a lot of snap chat videos that I forgot to save due to exhaustion, so after 24 hours they were all automatically deleted. Ya, I had a heart attack about that one. So, it is what it is. We did our best to document with what we had. I don't feel I have all the shots I truly wanted, especially any video. But I am grateful we have these.
The "must get" shot according to our nurses. They said leaving the maternity floor with a happy healthy baby is a blessing and miracle, so we must document exiting the doors. I loved that :).
Remi's take home outfit was happy and tropical with a cute pink bow! Because we had so little time before Remi was born, my sister in law was so kind to let us have her old baby carrier among many other things. To this day, I am so thankful to all those who helped us out with last minute necessities. True answers to prayer. We appreciate all our friends and families service to us during this time.
After one and a half days at the hospital, we were finally able to take Rem Gem home. It was so amazing to pull up and see this on our patio. My father in law is the sweetest. I took this photo the next day since it was dark when we got home, so that's why the balloons aren't floating. But man, did that put a smile on my face :). Thanks papa!
My bro and sister in law have a tradition in their family where they blow out a candle on the day their kids are born for their "birth" day. I thought it was so sweet for them to share this tradition with Remi. We enjoyed it :).
HOME at last. Zzzzzz.
HAPPY and in LOVE!
Good job for surviving this post if you did. It was insanely long. I'm sorry, but also not sorry. I needed to do this for journaling sake. It brought back so many wonderful memories and tender moments that I don't want to ever forget. Now its 3 am, so I best be off to bed. Joining dreamy land with my Remi Gemi and getting ready to celebrate her 1st birthday in a few short weeks :)!
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