our journey to building our family: part i

I don't really know where to begin. My mind most days feels jumbled with things I need to "get done," that literally make my heart race just thinking about it. In fact, just beginning to type this post has my heart pounding in my chest and I think my palms are getting sweaty haha. I think thats why I chose to post a pic of Chase and I at the beach, haha! It relaxes me. Anyway, I have been thinking about whether or not I want to blog my thoughts regarding fertility for months. After talking with my husband this week, we decided we are both okay with it. So here I go.

Chase and I have been trying to get pregnant since Chase's birthday in August 2012. A solid three years. We enjoyed our first year of marriage as newlyweds basking in the Hawaiian sun. I was 23, Chase was 22.  We had plenty of time to think about  babies and honestly, we weren't in any rush. But after a year went by we both felt excited and ready so decided, "Hey, let's do this and have ourselves a Hawaiian baby!" ;). All my baby dreams were going to come true.

Then a wall hit.

We had been trying for about eight months probably when I began to sort of wonder if we would be one of those couples who struggled. I had a pit in my tummy that made me worry. But after talking to some close friends and family I was reassured it was very normal to take up to a year for your first baby. So we kept at it and gave it some time.

Then August 2013 came and went. We still weren't pregnant.

It was that summer in 2013 when we started making some big decisions and saw our first fertility specialist. After research, talking to family, personal thought and lots of prayer, we decided a surgery was our best option. I underwent my procedure in October 2013 in hopes of bettering our chances of becoming pregnant.

The surgery went as the doctors planned and the main thing I remember was waking up with a crazy dry mouth. They were feeding me animal crackers but I couldn't even chew them because it felt like there was no saliva in my mouth, haha it was so weird. But the warm air puffy suit was amazing :) After a follow up consultation we were told we should be pregnant within five months. Of course there were no promises or guarantees, but we honestly thought we had solved the problem and were very hopeful for the upcoming year.

We moved from Hawaii to California in January 2014.  It was this year that I struggled the most. Not only was the move from Hawaii to California extremely difficult for me, but my dreams of having a baby weren't happening as planned. I was just super sad. Not so much that anyone else could notice, it was mostly within myself. I think women who struggle with fertility can relate. But my personality is such that I tend to become an introvert when I'm truly having a hard time. Every day I would put on a smiling face and press on. There were many nights of tears and small moments during the day of utter fear as I felt like I was watching life pass me by. Today, reflecting back to last year, I know what pulled me through those hard times.

Gratitude for my many blessings.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a beautiful place to call home. I have a wonderful family that loves me. I am an auntie to so many adorable littles that make me happier beyond explanation. My husband supports me and gives me the strength I need when I feel helpless. I have a roof over my head and a job that satisfies my needs. I have a hobby that pushes me, challenges me and helps me escape to my own creative world. I have friends. I have food and clean water which is amazing. I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and is always there for me to pray to and give me comfort. I have direction and a purpose in life and I know that I am extremely blessed.

At the end of the day I ponder these blessings and laugh at how I could ever be so sad. Positive thinking really can take you far. Although, I am a huge advocate of letting oneself be sad. It is only human nature and I find it healthy. So there are times when I allow myself to be sad and let it run wild for a little bit. But only for a little bit. Then you gotta pick yourself up and keep going.

Now jump to 2015. Chase and I have continued pushing through our journey by seeing more fertility specialists individually and together. Upon receiving more clarifying information, we both knew we had some hard times ahead. There's one appointment in particular that I will never forget. Chase and I were sitting together across from a doctor with beautiful snowy white hair. She explained to us kindly yet very matter of factly regarding our situation. And honestly, I needed this. I appreciated this. Because finally, I knew the reality. I didn't like the reality, I didn't want the reality, but it was ours. Chase and I walked out of that office quietly, hand in hand. I remember it was raining outside. I began to cry the second we got to our car.

The chances of Chase and I having a baby biologically are based on a sole miracle. But you know what? I believe in miracles. I know they happen. I know they are real. I know Heavenly Father loves us each so much he knows what we need. He knows our deepest desires and will never leave our side. Chase and I together know that he has a plan for us and how he wants us to build our family. We both believe he will bless us with what we need, when we need it. I know that for certain because I have seen Him do it in my life before with my husband.

Chase and I will not wait around for our miracle. We will be proactive, diligent, faithful and optimistic in building our family. It may not be as we had always planned and pictured, but it will be ours for the keeping. Not only for this life, but through the eternities. And we can't wait! We are both in this with full hearts.

With that being said, we are preparing to ADOPT! After months of prayer and talking with family and close friends, as well as meeting with people in similar situations, we have decided this is essential to our journey. We have received so many answers that it is undeniable. I have felt the Lord warm my heart and literally shape it into the kind of mama heart I need for this experience. My thoughts of sadness, fear, loss and disbelief have turned to thoughts of faith, joy, strength, belief and spiritual empowerment beyond something I can explain to others. There are babies in heaven waiting for Chase and I and I want them all haha, so badly! Okay, thats my crazy baby hunger talking. But for reals, I'm ready to get this ball rollin'!

So here we go. Chase and I are beginning our journey to building our family. I can't wait to meet our first baby someday hopefully soon. I feel well prepared after nannying for so many years and being an auntie to so many adorable littles. Thank you for sticking this blog post out if you did. I hope it can help you know and recognize the many blessings you have and how much Heavenly Father loves you, knows you and wants you to be happy. Because after all, happiness is a choice. And gosh dang it, I'm gonna be happy! :)