birth mom

Adoption is on my mind each and every day. It's sometimes hard for me to find the right words of what I'm feeling at any given time, but last night I was up far too late consumed in my own thoughts. As I was lying in bed with Chase passed out next to me, I began imagining what it would be like to have a tiny baby sleeping in-between us. I was watching them closely as their chest rose and fell. I saw that it was a baby girl and she was beautiful. I then looked at my dark and shadowed bedroom wall and pictured my dream nursery decor in pastel pinks and yellows, my two favorite colors. I even went so far as to imagine how tired I would be knowing I wouldn't be getting much sleep as a mom, and giggled to myself thinking I would feel the same way the next morning since I was playing house in my mind instead of sleeping. All these thoughts made me tear up, but not out of sadness. Out of excitement and anticipation for what is to come. I was able to fall asleep with a smile on my face and an extra push of encouragement to get through our home-study fast. Cause heaven knows I'm ready.

Throughout the many past months since making our decision to adopt, there is one thing that weighs heavily on my mind. 

The birth mom. . .

I think about her often. I want to understand her side. I need to be prepared.

I have silly dialogues in my mind as I wonder how she is doing. What does she look like? Is she dating someone? I hope she is happy. I wonder how old she is? Do you think she's pregnant yet? How is her relationship with her parents? I hope she will trust me with her child and choose us. Man, I hope shes okay. Wonder if she is having an easy or hard pregnancy? I wonder . . .

I just think about what kind of life she may or may not be living and want her to be safe and protected. I know she's out there, and I know she plays a vital role in my path to motherhood. One that I am already eternally grateful for. And I just hope and pray she will feel the same about me, grateful.

I often reflect on the thoughts someone close to me shared regarding adoption. I may not recall it in it's exactness, but it was regarding a woman and her many adopted children and their birth mothers. . . {She shared with me how this woman believes that in heaven before she came to this earth, her and all her children's birth moms knew each other. They were family. The woman made a deal up there with the birth moms, that she would love, care for and raise the children as her own. Together the woman and the birth mother trusted each other with that plan and decided to enter this mortal life knowing all the heart ache, risks, and trials they would each pursue in order to receive the proper blessings that were in store for them} . . . I find comfort applying that thought into my own experience and know that it is true. Heavenly Father has a plan for us and knows who I will be a mother to. Chase and I have children in heaven waiting for us and I can't wait to meet them! We are meant to be their parents and they are meant to be our children.

Basically, I want our birth mom wherever she may be, to know that Chase and I are thinking of her. We are praying for her. We want the best for the child she is (or will be) carrying. We are eager to be parents and look forward to that day with extreme gratitude and love. But most importantly, we are grateful for the sacrifices she has, is, and will continue to make by giving up her child for adoption and allowing us to be the parents we dream to be. Adoption is a true gift, and it wouldn't be possible without a birth mom. 

I often search the web for guidance and support through this whole process, and this video  jumped out to me today. It was definitely for a reason because I really needed to hear it as it settled a lot of my fears and gave me another new perspective, as I am constantly learning throughout this process. This girl is amazing and had me in tears. An absolutely beautiful and humble perspective I hope to share with our future birth mom(s), and something I feel incredibly touched and happy to have seen today.