Showing posts with label California. Show all posts
Showing posts with label California. Show all posts
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Last night I had a terrible dream. When I was a kid and even into my teens + early adult hood, this happened a lot. My parents never knew if it was in fact night terrors, but it felt like it to me. I remember sleeping in my parents bedroom out of fear of falling asleep due to the dreams that followed. But I feel like it's been years since this felt like an issue. Typically I'm an insanely deep sleeper and don't remember a thing when I wake up. But when I do, it sucks. I used to write some of my dreams into a dream journal. Reading back on them I have some insane things in my brain that often time have deep life analogies. They are usually based on underlying fears I push deep down into a part of my brain I don't like to tap into.
This morning around 6 am, I woke up suddenly with tears on my face gasping for air. Not because I wasn't able to breath in my dream, more like a silent scream. This feeling is a familiar one I like to wish away. I wanted to make my dream stop and I remember in my dream telling my subconscious to , "Wake up Lisa, wake up. You can make this stop!" The feeling of helplessness in my dream was relentless. Its like my subconscious was fighting for me, it's the strangest feeling. When I did get myself to open my eyes, I knew my baby was safe in her bed and I immediately felt relief. But the fear was still there. I quickly began to pour my heart into prayer per routine of my growing up years. Only through prayer are my fears calmed and I can feel grounded again.
As I drifted back to sleep the dream unfortunately returned. More details unfolded and I remember thinking in my dream that I didn't like what was happening and I didn't want to know the end. I decided it was time for me to wake up. I woke up again and decided to stay awake this time. I said my prayer, then went and grabbed my Remi and squeezed her tight and had some long lazy morning snuggles. I took my time this morning with her instead of rushing off to the gym. I wanted to cherish her all the more.
Dreams are weird. I don't understand them. I just know it taught me that life is short and oh so precious. Hold onto the ones you love tight. Do your best to keep them safe and have faith and trust in yourself and your Savior. The love of a mother is fierce. So incredibly fierce. Deep to a degree that is indescribable. I know this is the way our Heavenly Father feels for each of us, and I feel so honored every day to receive that gift of love for my daughter and my future children.
So, to bring things full circle. I wanted to post these photos of my daughter and I in the beautiful flower fields of ranunculus. They bring me so much joy. A reminder of God's beautiful creations and love. Running through flower fields is a much better dreamy situation anyway haha. Mothers day is on the horizon and I was so blessed to have these photos taken in honor of that special day. Thank you Hannah for sharing your amazing talent with us! I will forever cherish these images.
It was a long road to find our Remi, but worth every twist and turn. Chase and I often look back at our journey from the day we decided to try getting pregnant to today, and are so happy it ended up just the way it was supposed to. We couldn't be happier with the Lord's plan for us, and blessing us with our perfect daughter. After that first year back in 2012 when we started trying, we still weren't pregnant in 2013 so decided to seek out fertility treatment. Since then, it's been a roller coaster. In the past four years I underwent a surgery to correct a uterine anomaly that ended up not being necessary. I sought out many doctors both holistically and western, to treat my autoimmune disorders and find medications that worked. I decided to try to heal my body with strict eating plans in hopes of boosting my immunities, stabilizing my hormones, and attempting to feel normal. In 2014, we finally had Chase checked and realized his sperm count according to tests was non-existent. So put all those pieces together and the puzzle was clear, we wanted to adopt. Not because we had to, but because we wanted to, we knew it was right and it brought us so much love and joy! I think sometimes in life we just need little nudges to remember what we were meant to do all along. Adoption was something that had been on my mind for some time, and I had grown more familiar with it as I went into adulthood. The more time that had passed, the more I wanted our baby this way. In 2015, we finalized that decision as a couple through fervent prayer and research, and our lives have never been the same.
Looking back, it was only a year from when we started the adoption process to when Remi was born. Chase and I are insanely grateful that our wait was brief. I know it's because Heavenly Father knew we had been waiting four years already, and it was finally our turn! But during that time of waiting, He knew what we needed to learn and how we needed to grow in order to prepare for building our family through adoption. And the awesome thing is, He directed our lives down a path that gave us the experiences, places, jobs, and people that did just that for us. Choosing to adopt opened our hearts and healed our souls. To this day, we can both say we are grateful for our struggles and stoked things didn't work out the natural way, because without those struggles we wouldn't have our Remi which is unbearable to imagine. Adopting our Remi has brought us more joy then we could have ever imagined or predicted for ourselves prior to the process. Parenting is a billion times more awesome then we ever dreamt of!
I hope by sharing these words I have opened some hearts. Perhaps to give those who are struggling to build a family of their own some hope, and removing that negative connotation, "I'm never going to be a Mom," from their vocabulary. Or maybe those who have the means and heart to add another child to their family, so a child in need can have a place to call home and be loved. Life is never a dead end when things don't go the way you thought. There is always a bend in the road or perhaps a secret tunnel off to the side, one that you didn't see before but was always there. It's up to you to peek into those options and see what feels right. Persevere, never give up, there is so much hope in adoption. I can't help but share because it is something I feel so strongly about and want others to receive that same joy. If adoption is something you have ever wondered about and want to talk about it, please email me (see my about page). I know I have had a handful of guardian angels that I relied on throughout this journey, and still do. Friends I have made that will last a lifetime, all thanks to adoption and that bond that unites us. It is a gift that helps you see a little further, feel more fully, hear more openly, think a little deeper, love bravely, and give selflessly. And that's a gift I want in my life, and am so grateful to have.
Sure do love our sweet Remi girl, and stoked to be her mom forever! These photos are something I will forever cherish and remember. A beautiful evening with a beautiful girlie. Now which one should I frame for her room?! ;) Adoption is love my friends, so much love.
Nothing says spring like rows and rows of colorful ranunculus.
Beautiful enough to make your eyes sing!
Which color is your favorite?!
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